TOP THINGS MEN SHOULD NEVER SAY DURING CHILDBIRTH!!

Things Not To Say During Childbirth….

– Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

– Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

– I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

– If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

– That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

– When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

– You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

– This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

– Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

– Stop your swearing and just breathe.

– Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.

– Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.

random thoughts for friday march 26th, 2010

YAY…IT’S FRIDAY….YOUR DAILY BLOG BROUGHT TO YOU BY DISCOUNT VAC AND DAKOTA HOT TUBS…MAKE SURE TO STOP BY AND THANK THEM FOR HELPING TO BRING YOU THE BLOG…

1.  WOW…LEONARD NIMOY, who played SPOCK on “STAR TREK” is 79 years old today…one year away from 80…that’s hard to beleive.  let’s check out a couple of early photos of the birthday boy…

and here’s LEONARD NIMOY today at the age of 79..by the way, the new “STAR TREK” movie that just came out on dvd, is ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE….LEONARD NIMOY plays an older “SPOCK” in the movie, but the cast completely nails being the STAR TREK characters in thier younger years…i highly recommend this movie…..

2.  WELL HERE GOES NOTHING….i’ve had some people ask for me to post my senior picture from langford high school back in 1982, because they heard i had an afro and a power blue suit…well, thanks to WENDY at STAMP LADIES 2, i finally have it scanned in….DON’T LAUGH…DON’T MAKE FUN…here it is….

DAMN NERD……it’s not suprising that i was beat up a lot….why oh why did i let my beautician mother work on my hair?  ha ha

3.  YOUR THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

“why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, yet dishwashing liquid is made with REAL LEMONS?”

4.  YOUR CLASSIC COMMERCIAL FOR TODAY:

remember “ultra bright”?  well, here’s a commercial from the 70′s featuring a very young FARRAH FAWCETT..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAQLJvVPF3E

5.  our “entertainment” media makes me sick….there’s a news story out in the paper today, and it was on tv yesterday that “american idol” star SANJAYA was picked up for speeding…OH MY GOD…WHO CARES?  WHO GIVES A CRAP?  when is this going to stop?  i can just see the entertainment news from 10 years from now….”SOURCES NOW SAY THAT JOHN TRAVOLTA DID INDEED URINATE THIS MORNING ABOUT 7:45….THE UNKNOWN SOURCE SAID THAT IT LASTED ABOUT 45 SECONDS, AND THAT TRAVOLTA SEEMED OKAY AFTERWARDS.”  stupid stupid stupid…

6.  JEANNIE AND I are going to see the movie “HOT TUB TIME MACHINE”  this weekend…the movie looks so silly that it will probably be good…they use this “hot tub” to travel back in time to the 70′s and 80′s…it will be fun to see the clothing and everything that they used in the movie.

7.  I ABOUT DIED LAUGHING THIS MORNING…have you seen the video of former presidents GEORGE W. BUSH, AND BILL CLINTON in hayti?  they are shaking hands, and it looks like PRESIDENT BUSH wipes his sweaty hand on PRESIDENT CLINTON’S shirt….check it out….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oHOUnQ0gYI

8.  a zoo in albuquerque is being investigated for disposing of a dead giraffe in a trash dumpster….sources say that they really stuck their neck out on this one….

9.  worries about violence in the wake of health care reform…somebody placed a COFFIN on a congressman’s yard…it’s either to do with health care reform, or the guy owns a toyota.

10.  NASA reported a bright meteor over the southern united states that “put on  a brief, but dazzling show, before burning out.”  oh wait….that was the political career of JOHN EDWARDS…

11.  last night was apparently the final night to get an excellent view of mars….great, now all i have to look forward to is daily peeks at uranus….

12.  JOKE OF THE DAY:

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, “Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?”

“Well, I got it for my wife, you see?” answers Dave.

“Wow,” exclaims Randy, “Great trade.

OR HOW ABOUT THIS ONE…

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.” The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYBODY…

JAY DEAN

 

random thoughts for thursday march 25th, 2010

YOUR DAILY BLOG IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOUR FRIENDS AT DISCOUNT VAC AND DAKOTA HOT TUBS IN ABERDEEN.  MAKE SURE TO STOP BY AND SAY “HI”….and for GOD’S sake….BRING THE DAMN GORILLA BACK TO DISCOUNT VAC….c’mon…enough is enough……

1.  in our “today and yesterday” segment, we feature ANITA BRYANT who turns 70 today….man, there’s a name from the past that you don’t hear anymore.  here’s a picture of ANITA BRYANT from yesteryear….

and here she is today at 70…..

here’s a memory from the past…do you remember when ANITA BRYANT was hit by a “pie in the face” at a press conference?  here’s the video….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS91gT3XT_A

ANITA BRYANT also was in the “florida orange juice” commercials back in 1969 and 1970…she also had a hit with a song called “PAPER ROSES” which MARIE OSMOND would take to the top of the charts after she did….here’s the song, in case you don’t remember it….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KP8XRYas5dE

2.  also, film critic GENE SHALIT turns 78 years old today….here’s a 1991 photo of the cast of NBC NEWS which he is a part of….

and here is GENE SHALIT today at 78…..kind of looks like porn star RON JEREMY….hee hee

3.  sad news out of hollywood….veteran actor ROBERT CULP died yesterday after a fall on a sidewalk.  he was 79 years old….ROBERT CULP was known for acting with “a black man” on “I SPY”…isn’t it crazy how idiotic we used to be?  groups protested because of this….morons….anyway, that person was none other than BILL COSBY….

ROBERT CULP also starred in  a movie that i’ve talked about many times on the blog…”GREAT SCOUT AND CATHOUSE THURSDAY” is probably in my top 20 movies of all time…love it….by the way, here’s a picture of ROBERT CULP today….well, recently anyway…

he also starred in “THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO” back in the early 80′s with WILLIAM KATT….

4.  HERE’S YOUR CLASSIC COMMERCIAL FOR TODAY:

here’s an early CAP’N CRUNCH commercial…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILr8l4rbr70

5.  here’s my gripe for today…i just read on the internet that hollywood is looking at THREE REMAKES of my favorite movie of all time, “THE WIZARD OF OZ…”    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…..c’mon hollywood, get original, and stop remaking classic treasures that people love…..i just told some people at carmike a couple of weeks ago, that i would be sick to my stomach to see this movie remade….of course, i would probably have to see it, so that i could gripe about it on the blog…..

6.  last night coming home from hecla, i must have seen five muskrats…you normally don’t see them on the road, but i’m sure because of the incredible amount of water, these rodents are having a “heyday”……they sure are ugly creatures…..

7.  i’m going to try to find some old hospital gowns that have the back end completely open….i miss them…there was nothing like walking down the corridor of the hospital with your butt hanging out….

8.  what foods do i have trouble eating these days?  JELL-O AND CHICKEN BROTH…i lived on that crap for about a year and  a half when i had major stomach problems back in 1986-1987…the smell of chicken broth sometimes gets me to gag, and i haven’t touched jell-o since then….i also have trouble eating SPAM AND MACARONI AND CHEESE out of the box…lived on that in college….by the way, my mother makes the best mac and cheese ever, and she made it from scratch by boiling the noodles and adding velveeta cheese…we used to LOVE IT….

9.  a high school in england reduced absenteeism by starting an hour late so students could get more sleep…c’mon…that’s what math class is for…

10.  a woman from italy, was arrested after she allegedly hired two hitmen to whack her father, and one chickened out and told police….geez…you just can’t get good help these days…

11.  authorities in indonesia found the remains of a “rare sumatran elephant” that was killed by poachers…how rare was this elephant?  it was the only republican who voted for the healthcare bill.

12.  JOKE OF THE DAY:

last night my sermon in church was on “the tax collectors” of JESUS day…these were despised by everyone…the following are a couple of jokes i used in my sermon last night…

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

 There are only three predators that strike fear into the average
man; the man eating shark, a pack of wolves, and the tax department.
– Charles J. C. Lyall

 

THAT’S IT FOR TODAY…ENJOY YOUR THURSDAY…

JAY DEAN

 

MY NEW FACEBOOK PHOTO….

here’s my new “facebook” photo…

it’s yours truly and my BEAUTIFUL, TOTALLY HANDSOME, BIG BOYS, TYLER AND MITCHELL…

this was taken last christmas, and this is the kind of humor my boys have…wonder where they got it from…

and here’s a nice one….

as you can probably imagine, JEANNIE keeps us in line…she has “THREE LITTLE BOYS” to take care of at home…poor girl..ha ha

random thoughts for wednesday march 24th, 2010

YOUR DAILY BLOG IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WONDERFUL FOLKS AT DISCOUNT VAC, AND DAKOTA HOT TUBS. MAKE SURE TO STOP BY AND THANK THEM FOR BRINGING YOU TODAY’S BLOG!!!

1.  in our “today and yesterday” segment, we feature a hollywood legend, the beautiful BETTY WHITE….BETTY is 88 years old and is still going strong…..here’s a picture of BETTY WHITE back in her younger days….

here she is today at 88…..

here’s a couple of really cool pictures….it’s BETTY WHITE and some of the cast members of “THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW”, including ED ASNER, MARY TYLER MOORE, VALERIE HARPER, (who played RHODA), GEORGIA ENGEL, GAVIN MACLEOD, AND CLORIS LEACHMAN…..

2.  YOUR THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: (perfect for right now!!)

“if “con” is the opposite of “pro”, is “congress” the opposite of “progress?”   (yep)

3.  YOUR CLASSIC COMMERCIAL FOR TODAY:

MR. BUBBLE…remember him?  check it out…i used to love taking a bath with MR. BUBBLE…(sounds kinky!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjymtNGUhFA

“MR. YUK IS MEAN…MR. YUK IS GREEN…”  remember that?  take a look….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLsONa3gKIQ

4.  JAY DEAN’S MOST DISAPPOINTING NEWS OF THE DAY:

ROSIE O’DONNELL is planning a return to daytime tv…..well, it’s a good thing that i work and don’t have time to watch her show.  i CANNOT STAND her…….

5.  yesterday i took a couple of friends to “MUGS, THE COFFEE HOUSE” in aberdeen, to have another does of their 1950′s meatloaf sandwich…AWESOME…you really need to check it out….i normally don’t try food that we have a lot at home, but this meatloaf is so so so worth it…(make sure to tell tim pierson that jay dean sent you in)

6.  OKAY, LAST WARNING BEFORE I LOOSE MY MIND…..

THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING, FOLKS….man oh man, i was so frustrated the other day.  i was heading back to warner and just out of the city limits of aberdeen, this car pulls in the left lane, and stays there until after the warner corner….yep, over 9 miles….plus i had someone in the right lane that was going about 55-60…thank GOD i’m on blood pressure medicine because i’m sure it was spiking about that time…..by the way, this happened the other day on sixth avenue as well.  and another thing, if you’re going to drive 10-15 mph down a side street in aberdeen, so you can look at houses, and admire blades of grass, do it sometime during the early evening hours….during the rush times of the day, are not the smart times to be doing this…..

7.  holy week is next week…i’ll be up in hecla tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, and sunday…..i’d better line up the POLKA CD’S to crank on the way up and way home….some people think i’m out of my head listening to polka music, but truly, there’s no happier music….HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A SAD POLKA?  i didn’t think so….

8.  NANCY PELOSI turns 70 this friday….well, MOST of her turns 70……..

9.  the president of “vivid entertainment” has offered to pay the “OCTOMOM’S” mortgage and save her from losing her house if she stars in a porn movie that he’s producing….sorry folks….i would rather be homeless than watch that…..

10.  football star REGGIE BUSH and KIM KARDASHIAN have reportedly broken up because he can’t cope with the demands of her career……in fact, he can’t even figure out what the hell her career is……

11.  JOKE OF THE DAY:

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
    After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
    The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
    The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
    To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
    The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
    The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
    The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”
    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
    Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

HEY, HAVE A HAPPY WEDNESDAY MY FRIENDS..ENJOY THE NICE WEATHER…

JAY DEAN


 

random thoughts for tuesday march 23rd, 2010

YOUR DAILY BLOG IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY DISCOUNT VAC AND DAKOTA HOT TUBS IN ABERDEEN…MAKE SURE YOU HEAD TO DAKOTA HOT TUBS AT 11AM THIS FRIDAY.  THAT’S WHEN WE START SELLING THE “CHARBROIL” GAS GRILLS FOR $229, REGULARLY OVER $400 DOLLARS…..

1.  in our “today and yesterday” segment, we feature “THE GONG SHOW” with CHUCK BARRIS…..this is going to be fun!!! first of all, let’s focus on the star of this crazy show, CHUCK BARRIS….here is CHUCK back on the show…

here is CHUCK BARRIS today, including a cd he has out…you may remember that the movie “CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND” is about CHUCK BARRIS, who says that he used to be a C.I.A. assassin…..wow…

here’s one of the famous former judges on “THE GONG SHOW”…remember JAYE P. MORGAN?  here she is a few years ago, and today….

film critic REX REED was also a staple on the show….here he is yesterday and today…

speaking of “staples” on THE GONG SHOW, there are a couple that come to mind….remember “GENE GENE THE DANCING MACHINE?”  here he is…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACpNVD5GMUw

how about “THE UNKNOWN COMIC?”  here he is on the show…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xj3Q9l9Ivng

this is a little long, but it’s pretty cool…it’s called “THE BEST OF CHUCK BARRIS”….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NgAP7FOqQQ

2.  YOUR THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

“on noah’s ark, why didn’t noah just swat both of the mosquitos?  and did noah have two woodpeckers on the ark?  if so, where did he keep them?”

3.  YOUR CLASSIC COMMERCIAL FOR TODAY:

remember CALGON’S “ancient chinese secret?”  here it is…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yW6vObBOVE

I USED TO LOVE THIS ONE…remember “how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?”  check it out…you will remember….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwh0S1K5hx0

4.  i had some fun last night with one of the employees of carmike, who i simply adore…but she’s a little big gullible..okay, maybe a lot…ha ha…anyway, she spent like a LOT OF MONEY on a dog the other day, and she had pictures of it, and IT LOOKED LIKE A FOX…so, i kept telling her that “i can’t beleive you spent that much money, and the people sold you A FOX.”  she never fell big time for it, but for awhile there she wasn’t too sure…it was a great laugh…..cute dog, too…..i mean fox….

5.  i don’t know how the heck “family guy” gets away with the stuff it does…this past sunday night they did a play called “THE TERRI SCHAIVO MUSICAL.”  of course, you might remember TERRI was the lady who was in a coma and her husband and her parents were fighting over whether to unplug her….my favorite “family guy” character, STEWIE, played “the plug.”   unbelievable….

6.  WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY YESTERDAY…man, was it beautiful…i’m so sick and tired of winter, just like everybody is…yesterday gave us hope that warmer weather is on the way…..pretty soon, we’ll all be bitching that it’s too hot out!!!

7.  PRESIDENT OBAMA will embark on a “public relations” tour to try and convince americans that they’ll love the new health care bill once they “find out what’s in it.”  the tour will start as soon as OBAMA  finds out what’s in it himself.

8.  researchers beleive that horses understand the human language better than previously thought…that’s the same thing they used to say about ANNA NICOLE SMITH….

9.  a study finds that men who harass women with “cat calls and sexual comments” give all men a bad name….women develop a bad attitude about men, and can barely focus on their jobs as interns on the LETTERMAN show….

10.  JOKE OF THE DAY:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”

The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next.”



A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “O.K., “What’s the capital of Wisconsin?”

The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy, W.”

HAVE A GREAT TUESDAY EVERYBODY…

JAY DEAN

 

random thoughts for monday march 22nd, 2010

YOUR DAILY BLOG IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY DISCOUNT VAC, HOME OF “AL THE GORILLA” WHICH STANDS OUT FRONT, AND DAKOTA HOT TUBS, WHERE THEY HAVE TRAILERS, HOT TUBS, AND GAS GRILLS STARTING THIS FRIDAY!!!!

1.  in our “today and yesterday” segment, we feature “JOANIE LOVES CHACHI” stars ERIN MORAN AND SCOTT BAIO….here’s our lovely couple back in the 70′s….

and here’s our lovely couple today….ERIN MORAN is 49 years old, and SCOTT BAIO is 48 years old this year….here they are….

2.  YOUR THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

“you know that indestructable black box that is used on airplanes?  why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff…..”

3.  YOUR CLASSIC COMMERCIAL FOR TODAY:

here’s a classic “MCDONALDS” commercial with RONALD MCDONALD pitching a doll…..watch carefully…do you recognize that RONALD MCDONALD?  it’s none other than weatherman WILLARD SCOTT.  yep, he used to play ronald…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pO7xdh4BXE

remember the actual “BURGER KING” back in the 70′s…this was a pretty tame king, compared to the scary plastic 7 foot one they have now that shows up in people’s beds in the commercials…remember this one from the 70′s?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Al1GZyS-dRw

and here’s a picture of the newer, CREEPIER burger king….

4. well, the sunday i have been looking forward to is over….yesterday was the day we put 19 new members into our church in hecla.  there were actually tears in the crowd as we welcomed this big group of people into our church family….not too many small churches get this kind of an honor….

5.  speaking of church, our little church in hecla is starting something very cool….we had a family donate a brand new 52 inch high def tv to the church in memory of their wife and mother who passed away…..so, starting in a couple of weeks, we’re going to start having “FAMILY NIGHT AT THE MOVIES” at our church, where we show good old family shows.  our first movie is “THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST”, which is the MEL GIBSON movie.  we’ll have popcorn and juice and a great movie….i love this new idea….it will help promote family unity….

6.  GREAT NEWS FROM THE MINNESOTA TWINS!!! the minnesota twins signed JOE MAUER to an EIGHT YEAR CONTRACT WORTH 184 MILLION DOLLARS…and the best news?  “A NO TRADE CLAUSE”, which means that JOE MAUER will be in a twins uniform until at least 2018…..nice job twins……

7.  JEANNIE AND I went to see “SHE’S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE” last night at carmike.  it’s the second time i’ve seen it, and the first for JEANNIE.  she really liked it.  i love it when she laughs out loud in the theater.  movies are a great place to get away from the world, and just relax and laugh and have a good time.  then you walk outside and it’s back into that big bad world that’s ready to stomp you into the ground……(wow that’s heavy…ha ha)

8.  a baton rouge, louisiana, tv reporter, was rushed to the hospital after a pit bull bit her on the wrist, while she was doing a story about “HOW PIT BULLS AREN’T DANGEROUS…” wow….ummm….please remove her from doing that story on how “NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS ARE SAFE.”

9.  european scientists have developed the prototype for a “HARRY POTTER-like invisibility cloak…it’s being modeled by the KANSAS JAYHAWKS…..(what?  too early?)

10.  DISNEY has announced that only actresses who don’t have “FAKE BREASTS” will be cast in the next “pirates of the caribbean” movie….they’re holding auditions in LOS ANGELES where they expect a whopping three women to attend…..

11.  the “octomom” and her kids may soon be homeless….apparently she owes as much as $450,000 dollars on her california home….and the place is a mess…..her water has broken so many times that the property’s now a federally protected wetland…….

12.  a los angeles restraunt has closed after being accused of selling endangered “whale meat.”  great…now where will i get a “MCSHAMU” sandwich?

13.  JOKE OF THE DAY:

 A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.”
    Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re cute.”
    The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”
    She asked, “What happened to beautiful?”
    The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

HAVE A HAPPY MONDAY EVERYBODY…

JAY DEAN